Inspired by my bff Wingkei’s post which you can read here.

I am slightly unwell right now so forgive me if this post makes no bloody sense. (Honestly I’ve coughed up things that probably make more sense than this post.)

Real world signals are analogue. That means that they can be whatever ambiguous, phallic-shaped squiggle you want. I don’t recommend using that phrasing on your exam paper but that’s the most coherent way I can express it in my cough syrup and ibuprofen induced high. (It’s like the worst cocktail ever.) So what the hell is my point? My point is that real things are not uniform and perfect like the sine wave on your oscilloscope and I have spent too damn long trying to accept this fact.

Self-doubt is my best frenemy. On one hand I never get too cocky, but on the other hand I find myself putting myself down so far that I’m basically burying myself alive. Self-deprecating humour is my safeguard of choice because people tend to put you down less when you’re already doing it to yourself.

“Hey you, you wanna insult me? Too bad, I already threw the first punch…And KO’d myself.” This is why I don’t teach self defense.

So it’s funny that I didn’t realise why it is that just when life is going great, all of a sudden the invisible iron chains on my wrists and ankles are pulled taut and I’m dragged to the floor. Every joke where I put myself down or passing thought doesn’t just form and then disappear like a fart in the wind. No, those thoughts fester, brew and culture into a big ball of ugly. So what happens to this ugly ball? It waits until you’re actually feeling fine and happy and then it explodes all over you until you’re gagging because you can’t breathe through the stench. This ugly ball is the comedown and it is relentless.

I’m not a perfectionist by any means. Yet I am a top notch professional drama queen, so even when things are only a little bit rubbish, I will whip it up into something absolutely scandalous – like a duck in a raincoat. This is bad because I will tend to make a mountain out of a molehill and I’m stopped in my tracks, just when life is actually going well. The comedown actually affects me a lot and I sometimes spend entire nights bawling and the reasons as to why I’m doing that never actually form in my head.

Yet I know I’m not the only one like this. The most beautiful, most intelligent and nicest people in my life are constantly putting themselves down. WHY. I guess they have their own ugly balls that I cannot see. I just wish that we (myself included) could be a little kinder to ourselves.